end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
