i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
