I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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