I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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