Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize