I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
