Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
