Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
