Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
