My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
