Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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