Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
