I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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