oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
