On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
