i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
