I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
