I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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