Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
