Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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