I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
