He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
