Don't make out with my wife yet
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
