She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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