we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
