dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize