The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize