I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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