I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
