in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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