im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
