I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize