How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
