i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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