so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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