god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
