The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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