Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
