Is it because I queefed?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
