I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
