I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
