and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Still dying that you shit outside
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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