Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
