Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
