everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
