I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dick very happy bro
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
