Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
