Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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