How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
