Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
