when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize