TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
