just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
