im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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