Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
