I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
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