I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
