I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
