Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So many bounce houses so little time
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
