Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Less talking, more tequila
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
