You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
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