Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
