he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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