i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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