and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
